Kissing Sam's Ass

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Sam's ass with us."

Me:   "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Sam, and why would I want to kiss his ass?"

John: "If you kiss Sam's ass, He'll give you protection from those who would harm you; and if you don't, he'll kick the shit out of you."

Me:   "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Sam is a trillionaire philanthropist. Sam built this country. Sam owns this country. He can do whatever he wants, and what he wants is to give you protection, but he can't until you kiss his ass."

Me:   "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Sam's gift? Don't you want protection? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me:   "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Sam's ass with us."

Me:   "Do you kiss Sam's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me:   "And has he given you protection?"

John: "Sure! You don't see any terrorists around, do you?"

Me:   "So why don't you just protect yourself, or organize with your neighbors for protection?"

Mary: "You can't protect yourself unless Sam allows you to, which he doesn't. If you try, he will kick the shit out of you."

Me:   "Do you know anyone who rejected Sam's protection?"

John: "Yes. He was declared a terrorist, and killed by Sam's drone."

Mary:   "And others have tried, and ended up in prison or rendered to a foreign country for torture."

John: "Sam doesn't allow it."

Mary: "Most people who refuse to kiss Sam's ass are hounded by the IRS - the Internal Rectum of Sam - and get all their things confiscated, their home taken, and THEN put in prison."

Me:   "I'm sorry, but this is obviously a protection racket."

John: "But it's protection - can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Sam's ass He'll kick the shit out of you."

Me:   "Maybe if I could see a danger, from someone other than Sam I mean..."

John: "You're being difficult and anti-social. Here's a letter from Sam explaining the whole thing."

From the Desk of Sam

  1. Kiss Sam's ass and he'll give you protection.
  2. Use drugs in moderation.
  3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you, especially Mexicans.
  4. Eat right.
  5. Sam decreed this list himself.
  6. You are Sam, since you can vote, petition, and kiss his ass.
  7. Everything Sam says is right.
  8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
  9. Don't use drugs.
  10. All good things come from Sam.
  11. Kiss Sam's ass or he'll kick the shit out of you.

Me:   "I thought you said He was a protector. What sort of protector kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Sam wants, and Sam's always right."

Me:   "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Sam says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

John: "Item 2 says 'Use drugs in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me:   "But 9 says 'Don't use drugs.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'You are Sam' which is just plain stupid."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never kissed Sam's ass, so you can't say for sure."

Me:   "I'm sure I'm not Sam."

Mary: "But if you kiss Sam's ass and vote, and pay your taxes, and obey Sam, then you'll become Sam. Item 6 says so."

Me:   "What is this about all good things coming from Sam?"

John: "Yes, everything good is only because of Sam."

Mary: "Roads, houses, coffee pots..."

John: "Cars, computers, education..."

Mary: "Science, food, grocery stores..."

Me:   "You're saying Sam created my local grocery store? I know that's false, because I know some of the employee-owners and they worked hard to make a successful business."

John: "Have they been blown up by terrorists?"

Me:   "No."

Mary: "Then that proves that Sam has protected them, and caused their success."

Me:   "What about that building in New York City that got blown up."

John: "That proves you need Sam's protection!"

Me:   "I see. You're saying Sam's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Sam decreed it, and that Sam is us, because the list says so. Jeez! I won't kiss Sam's ass. Goodbye."

John: "Well, you're just a damn freeloader. Sam created all good things, and you use them. You should stop using things, and starve yourself. Sam is going to kick your ass but good."

Me:   "Get the fuck out of here. Now!"

John: "Freeloader!"

Mary: "Anarchist!"


By Hogeye Bill, based on and derived from "Kissing Hank's Ass" by James Huber.